


It's Different Now

by cosima_geekmonkey_niehaus



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2014-10-23
Packaged: 2018-02-22 06:58:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2498798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosima_geekmonkey_niehaus/pseuds/cosima_geekmonkey_niehaus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Punky monkey, Cosima's POV of Sarah unraveling their relationship</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Different Now

It’s different now. Not like it used to be. Before, there was freedom and ease - some joking here, some teasing there, the stuff that laid the foundation of intimacy. Trust. Knowing that no matter what happened, she would be there with her crooked smile brushing back her lion’s mane as she pretended not to care while caring more than anyone in the world. But it’s different now.

She is pulling away, running at top speed to escape the feeling you know is consuming her, because it’s consuming you too. A feeling so large it engulfs you with no warning: one minute she is just a girl you know, a little rough around the edges but a good friend, and then suddenly you are swept away in a tidal wave of her - the way she smiles when you walk in the room, the way her hand lingers on your arm, the way your stomach clenches when she falls asleep on your shoulder. All of a sudden you are drowning and the only way out is to stop fighting and let her devour all of you, until you have dissolved and there is no more distinction between you and her.

It was scary at first, something so fierce and extreme, but at the same time it was comforting, knowing that there was always someone there that was so much a part of you. And so you didn’t run, you embraced it, welcomed it with open arms and gave yourself over completely to her.

At first she seemed happy, as if she had been waiting for this moment like an old friend finally returning home after years of being away. Her smile only grew every time you came home, her hands always entwined in yours, your hearts beating as one as you lay together, her hands twisting through your dreads as she drifted off to sleep. Everything was comfortable, familiar.

But then she seized up, began laying the first bricks of the wall she was building between you. She disappeared most nights, returning home reeking of booze and self-hate, snapping at you when you showed concern, pushing you away when you tried to let her know you were there. You could feel your world crumble around you as you fought the current she was stuck in, each ounce of effort you put in only dragging her further out to sea.

And now everything is different. She has stopped pulling but the wall is still there, keeping the waves from consuming her again. But you are still there, drowning in her soul and your love, but she refuses to play solvent, keeping the distinction between you and her visible.

Some days you forget anything changed, when she lets her guard down for a moment and you are yourselves again. She gives her full attention as you ramble on about the world around you, she holds you close when you are sad, she whispers in your ear that you are her everything, forever. But now, there is that feeling deep inside, slowly taking hold in every vessel and every tissue, telling you that she doesn’t mean forever - she can’t mean forever. This is only the calm before her storm of rage, the quiet before the arrival of her destruction. Forever only means until she can’t take it anymore, until the wall is infinite and there is no hope of climbing back over.

It’s different now. She is still herself, your everything, your Sarah. But you are not hers. You are no longer her whole world, but merely an accessory that she wears more out of habit than anything else. It’s different now.


End file.
